Art is Not Art.......

I saw this on my way home from the MOMA.

Is the grass really greener......

As the year comes to an end I just keep thinking about this American dream. This so called dream that people from all over the world want to achieve. I think this dream is no longer achievable, I think it's just a mind game that have been embedded in the mind of Americans and poor people around the world. Is the grass really greener on the American side? I think not.

After this Christmas all I hear on TV, radio and from the mouths of people I thought had some kind of intelligence, was shopping this, buying that. I kept thinking why do everyone need to get a gift for Christmas? The majority of people getting gifts are adults that have jobs and probabky have everything needed to live, so why the more gifts? this is the first year ever that I felt that I was sinning buying gifts for people. The kind of sin like looking at thirteen year old girls, stuff like that. it just felt so wrong! Buying gifts for people making more money than me, people making enough money to live on and live a pretty good life. Now what else in this world could these people need that could, or would make any impression in their lives?

I received gifts myself, ranging from money, clothes and wine. I accepted these gifts, but I have not incorporated it in my life. All these gifts are still in the boxes and everything, I did have to unwrap them to see what everything is. I think I might leave these gifts under my bed for the meanwhile, until I try and contemplate what to do with these gifts. Knowing me I'll probably keep everything, but right now I feel strange using them.

Back to the grass, in our society in America we all search for the greener grass not realizing the greenest grass is the one we're standing on right now. In New York, the search for ten bedroom house for $300,000 have driven people to the south, namely Florida and Atlanta. I will never move to Atlanta or Florida, I know to give up the kinds of neighborhoods in NY for the down south living is out of the question. People want to buy and buy houses in other states without even a job, or a through understanding of the geographic relationships from home and work in these new states, but they all think that Atlanta and Florida grass is greener than NYC. I say good luck to them, you leave NY now and in ten years your earning to come back. After all the Indian people and the Jewish people claim all these property for profit. I remember seeing a basement apartment for rent in a area now occupied by people of Indian origin, and it said Indian couple or person preferred. That shocked me then, now it seems that people want to be with their own people. So let them!

I feel as you search for the greener grass, you will always be searching. I have realized that the grass that we are all searching for is the grass were standing on right now!

Remember God loves!

Construction done!

Well after a few months of mental construction, I am ready to come back to the wonder world of blogging. I have been threw some short term, small accomplishments over the past few months. Some are passing my motorcycle test and earning a motorcycle license. The other is actually getting a new motorcycle and the last one was done on my birthday, August 15, 2006. Skydiving, yes jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and falling to the earth. I done it, it was great and will have to do it again next year. I really have plenty to write and will do so on a later date, so for now keep on Sudokuing!

Site Under Mental Construction!

I haven't bloged in awhile, as if anyone really cares. I'm going through a mental construction trying to deal with the fact and reality that my ex, the one I'm in love with has someone else and he seems to be doing a damn good job in which I failed. So I'm sure no one wants to hear my mental rants of how I love her, hate myself and my life. Who wants to read blogs like that? Well thus is the continuation of my construction. One day everything will be rebuilt but for now the project is underway and the completion date is no where in sight. Peace!!

Two Days, Two Girls!

It's not what it sounds like, but boy I wish it was. The first girl, female, woman I met on HI5. I met her months ago on it I think, but you know how online people are some like me don't like to keep online friends and there are other, mainly female who want to keep everything online. The funny thing about it all is that she has a boyfriend; I refuse to call him her man because of the way he seems to act. Just to let you know I have not been perusing any female romantically, just friends as hard as that is to believe, but it’s the truth.

Well one day all of a sudden she opened up to me about her boyfriend. Her birthday just passed and since that day he has been acting weird she tells me. She asks me maybe he has another girl or cheated on her, I told her the truth based on my own acts in the past. And it could be true. I have acted distant to my girlfriend when I had sex with another girl, so I know the movements of cheaters. I told her what I thought but also try and help her work it out between the two of them because she was in love. She told me the conversation between them that started the argument and she was conflicted over weather to go see him that day.

It would have been the easiest thing in the world to try and break them up, but I know myself I don't like easy, and I know it would come back to haunt me. So I stood up and acted like the man I am and told her my thoughts of ways to work things out. At this point we have never met before so I wasn't going to push up n her sight unseen. I convinced her to take a shower, put on something sexy or pretty, put on some sweet smelling perfume and go over his house, and she did.

A week went by, I saw her online again. We talked again; she told me he was out with his boys, someone's birthday party, boy’s night out and all that shit. It sounded shady to me but I said nothing, so we continued to talk online. I figured and she thought also that he would be gone all night long so I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie, she refused, didn't want to do something to make him upset. I see from that she wasn't playing when she said she wanted to work things out with him, but I did want a chance to meet and see her in person. I asked if she wanted to bring a friend along as if to not seem like a date of some sort, she said she will call her friend and ask. I convinced her to meet me so we could talk, because like I said earlier I like to make online friends my real friends, and I wanted to see her.

So we met, she is very cute, much shorter than I thought and she is thick. Nice thick legs well looked good to me, small feet and the smallest hands I have ever seen in my life on a grown woman. We talked in a cold park by her house, I checked he out, nice smile, somewhat smart and intelligent with a hint of laziness because she said she doesn’t want to go back to college. I never tried to touch her, kiss her or do anything rude and out of order to her, I was totally respectful! She seemed like a good loving woman, but she had a man and I'm not the one to break up any relationship. I must have left her about 8:30 pm. She's not 100 percent my type but I can sense she can become that if she can get her act together. She is attractive, smart and very appealing to me sexually, but she has a boyfriend and it would be a waste of time to pursue her that way so I'm happy with becoming a friend of hers.

Later that night around 10:30pm I seen her online again and asked her what's up? She didn't want to type all that happened in the few hours since we left each other, so she called me. She explained to me everything that happened with these two hours. As soon as I left her she called her boyfriend, she wanted to see him, she went over and this guy is online when she comes over, chatting. She takes a shower, he still online, she get mad as any woman would when he seems to not want to get offline and be with hi girl. I have never done that in my life, I always shut the computer off when any girl comes over my house so they won't discover my porn collection on my computer. This guy stays online chatting to some girl when his sexy girlfriend goes in the shower; I would have been buck naked right behind her if that was me. He was even online when she came out the shower probably all wet and with a towel wrapped around her half naked, I would have had that towel on the floor and she on the bed doing big things, but that's just me!

She ended up leaving and coming home and talking to me. Since we don't really know each other I asked her what she always doing online since I know she don't talk to anyone and she said she play games online. So we ended up talking on the phone and playing online games till 1:30am.

Girl one done, Now Girl two........

Well this woman I've known for about ten years, I met her form online as well. The funny thing about that meeting is that we don't keep I contact via online. Once we met we remained friends in the real world. We met on the eve of me leaving for college in Philly, she had braces, she was young but I felt she would be a good potential girlfriend. We sent letters, we called, and we kept in touch the way friends supposed to. I came back to NY and she had a boyfriend I think, I wanted to date her seriously for a long time but either she wasn't ready for that or I wasn't her type. I think she told me I wasn't her type a few times, not really sure. In her college years she was a party girl and I think I didn't fit in the program at that time.

After her college tears, she changed, born-again Christian. Now if you know any people like this you know how they are. When I first found out about her new religious attitude she went full force trying to get me to feel the same way, but as usual I resisted. She tried many times. I did go to church once but just like she wasn't ready for me back then I wasn't ready for her and her new lifestyle. I had three girls at that time, one was my girlfriend, one was a fuck buddy and the other turned out to be my future fiancé. As of today all those relationship are not so tight and you can wonder why. My fuck buddy seems scared to see me, my girlfriend at that time has now become an occasional fuck buddy and my fiancé doesn't want to speak to me. I had another girl I was pursuing at that time, we went out a few times, today she got a man and don't want to fuck with me too much. Don't blame her!

So now I'm here alone with a broken heart, not looking for anything serious. I think she always liked me and she would even entertain a relationship with me of I change and go to church more often, but I'm totally not ready for that. She isn't the most beautiful female in the world, but she is very beautiful to me inside and out. After asking her to dinner a week ago and her turning me down, she calls this week and ask me what I'm doing and we ended up going to a movie. It's to try and be romantic right now with anyone but I wanted to, knowing her she would fight every effort I would make and ask why, why, why? So I try my best to just remain friends with her. She even told me she thinks this guy at her church might be looking at her and she is interested in him if he ever approached her. I'm not sure if she told me this to make me jealous or to test me and see what I would say. Or is she ready for a real man in her life?? Well I keep asking her about it and she seems to not be much interested anymore, even after our long talk about men and how we act. She like the natural, traditional female role and wants to be chased, and not be the chaser. So she is willing to let this good guy go.

So as friends we go to the movies, I've always had feelings for her, but after the many times she shot me down I got the message so I probably won't be going there with her for a long time. By the time that long time is up, she would probably have a man or even be married. Well she drove; she didn't want to drive to Queens so I drove over to her place. We then went on a long drive to the movie I was admiring her beauty, even when we got to the movies I was checking out her little 100 pound frame. Not the most curvaceous female but still good, well good enough for me!

We went to see a sappy love type girly movie, it made me very depressed so I was very quiet on the ride back. I should tell her I got depressed after seeing that movies and see what she says. Well we ended up at her place, she instantly started getting ready for bed, and she had a whole day of church the next day. When she got in her night clothes the door closed behind me and on my way home I went.

So you see guys can be friends with females!

I was Dancing, Dancing, Dancinggggggg!

Well this was an interesting night while out with my cousin. Well this guy made plans to meet up wit his EX, serious love interest from the past. She is now a happily married woman with kids. Ok, ok well maybe not so happily married, I found out this by the end of the night. We, well they made plans to go to this one spot in Brooklyn but since her friend was with her boyfriend and her other boyfriend was in Jamaica and had friends at this first spot we could no go in. We ventured off to another spot, at first we were told that we could not go in because we had jeans, sneaker and boots. By the time we got there the owner had a change of heart and let us in. Was it because we were rolling in a big body Mercedes Benz jeep? I don’t know. Well anyway we’re in, the crowd is on the older side, older than what was use to but an atmosphere that we were very comfortable in. No mean mugging by the guys or signs of disgust from the ladies.

So we up in there, my cousins’ ex meets up with her friend, we in the cut, me and the other guy we usually hang out with in Brooklyn is checking out the crowd trying to see which choice female would be good to approach. After two hours I noticed two females come in and they were putting their coats away. Now I’m by the bar, there’s enough light to actually see how these ladies looked. For some strange reason I’m very attracted to ladies who wear glasses and one of them was wearing glasses. I was like okay might be a good night after all. So I went back in the cut and as soon as she hit the dance floor someone scooped her up, I was like damn but there was two more females that caught my eye.

One was a hot gyal looking nice from far, but in the darkness of that spot up close she could have been far from nice, get me!? After two beers I felt loose and guess what the funniest thing happened to me, a fatty wanted a dance with me, so I danced. We danced about ten to fifteen minutes and boy was she sweating. I felt all wet when I finally let her go; she was dancing up a storm with plenty of people. It is something I would not like to do again. After that and my third beer boy was I feeling good, so I stepped on the dance floor. The female I was watching with the glasses was not dancing or talking with anyone so I figured it was time to make my move. So I’m there dancing by myself building up the courage to wine one her, also waiting for a nice song to make my move. The best part about it was it seemed as if she was inching closer to me. I was getting excited, in more ways than one. I was ready she was directly next to me wining up herself. She looks like about thirty something but damn sexy. As soon as I was about to nudge myself over to her my cousin tapped me on my shoulder, “We ready to go!”

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!!!!!

Got my coat, we walked out. At the bar the other guy we were with was getting a number from a lady, my cousin had his ex in his hand and me by myself. SHIT!

So we hop in the big body Benz jeep, my cousin talking about he wanted her to bad, then the other guy said my cousin ex is h cousin, what a small world!

So everyone leave with a little something and I leave with nothing!!!

On the Bus........

While on the bus today another one of my not so crazy ideas popped in my head, it was on of my imaginary photography projects. It would be on bus drivers, now how creative would that be? It would be an all black and white portraits of bus drivers, driving busses. I would ask them regular questions like, how long you have been working here, do you enjoy it, crazy things you have seen, etc, etc…. Then take a few shots of them driving the bus. I would then make a book out of it, probably a small boo, shop it around New York searching for a book deal or something. Now if that sells I would try it again on another working class public city worker and make my career as a photographer through little books on city workers.

Now how does that sound, would you buy a book like that??

Death.......!

I welcome death. Maybe by saying this I will be jinxed and die, but I've been saying this for the last three years. I'm still here! I've been welcoming death ever since I fell in love with a woman that was thousands of miles away from me, and the chance to be with her seemed like a dream.

I made that dream come true for a short period of time and I treasured every second of every day that I lived. I was very careful of everything, possible fights, getting sick, eating healthy, everything! Now that my dream is over, (for now), I'm back to that phase of my life where I just don't give a fuck. I welcome death, if he dares to take me. I think God has a plan for me that is why he hasn't taken me as yet.

I remember when I was a likkle boy in Jamaica, one day when I was playing around at Half Way Tree Primary School. I saw a bee, I never liked bees. I think either a summer before or a few months ago a bee stung me on my belly. So I was a bit upset with them at that time. Well when I saw this bee I chased it, chased it to the garbage area, it landed n some garbage and I took a big swipe at it with my fist

Little did I know that there was a corned beef can the bee landed on, and to all those who know how these cans are know how Sharp the metal is on it when it is open. So the bee landed on it, I went to strike it, it flew away, I hit the can, I cut myself, thus being scared for life. As I sit at work and write about this experience I can't help but rub the scar I received that day.
I think that day God showed me not to mess with his creatures. He spared the bees life and gave me a scar so O would never forget. But did I????

There was also a time when I was in Jamaica I use to run around the place killing little green lizards with a stick. I was so fascinated by the fact that the tail still wiggled when it gets detached from their bodies. Well the fascination became my obsession, I around striking at every lizard I saw. Then there cam a time there were none to be found. I felt like a stone cold killer and the funny thing about that is that today I own an Iguana. Well I would not say own it, I take care of one. Ain't life funny.

This feels like a fucking essay for school or something.

So God showed me that because your bug doesn't mean I had the right to ill his creations and gave me a scar to never forget that. Also because I went around and killed a bunch of lizards he destined me to take one of the big lizard, my Iguana, "Omega".

That's Life, Peace!!

Music to soothe the savage mind........

For the past few days I have not been listening to my music as I take my ten minute walk to work. So instead of my mind being occupied by the music I've been listening to, Shystie, Kano a couple of UKs finest Grime MC's and some good dancehall, my mind have been occupied with itself. Now that is a danger all on it's own, my mind with its various thoughts. Just one block into the walk and my mind runs across a three some my friend with benefits (aka an ex) mentioned last week, also my future wife and family runs across my mind, also with my paranoid delusions fears of assassination runs across my mind, all within one block. So you can imagine how much crap I think of within the ten minutes.

I see my mind like the experience of driving a car. When your driving you pay attention to what's around you in the streets. The cars, your speed, pedestrians and all traffic signals is what you look out for while driving. When your driving either defensively getting ready to brake or swerve, or offensively getting ready to brake, speed up, swerve, and then speed up some more, but my mind without music is like your at a red light. At the light waiting for it to turn green. Nothing to really look out for except for the light to turn green, so my mind at this red light without music to occupy it can think of some crazy shit. The funny thing about it is that when I reach to work I sometimes forget every single thing I thought of along the way. Have that happened to you??

It is a dangerous game I play with my mind and sanity, but that's life. Peace!!!